A GUIDE TO DEER CAMP PRACTICAL JOKES -------- (Part I)

We used to have some real fun in camp. I remember nights I’d crawl into my bunk and as I lay there, there would be tears in my eyes from laughing so hard! Most of the old timers are gone now, but I hope they are saving me a bunk somewhere in the happy hunting grounds that us sportsmen, hope to get too, someday.

FFFFing Tommy Gordon had a partner. His name was Tony P. (the one-armed bandit). These men were legends in my hunting camp. FFFFing Gordon was this skinny little Irishman and the Bandit was a typical rough-hewn little guinea. Two men, so opposite of the other that it always amazed folks that they ran together, but run together they did. They’d run to town to do a little shopping and come back 4 – 5 hours later – glowing. For 40 years those guys ran around town spreading good will. They knew every bartender, every waitress, and every checkout girl at the supermarket. Wherever they went, either a party, or a fight started, sometimes both. When they came home to camp they’d take a nap, cook dinner and head back to town.

When Tommy wasn’t making a roast, Tony would be making a pasta dish. Sausage, meatballs, -- the works. Everything was cooked with just the right amount of wine, both in it, and in the cook and his helpers. I like to think I learned camp cooking at the feet of the masters. These men could cook, and man, could they drink. They’d run that camp like a well-oiled machine. Actually it was Schaeffer, Bushmills or a nice bottle of Chianti that were their preferred fuel. During the hunting season they were never too far from their favorite libation. Unfortunately, this is when they started the most trouble.

No one person was safe. No one could afford to let their guard down, because just when you did, FFFFing Gordon and Tony P. would strike. I can’t tell you how many times a new member would wake up in the middle of the night or morning and go to put on their slipper or boot and crush an egg. There is no feeling quite like that, especially when you are groggy and running to the bathroom for a nature call . Many a man would rise early to make himself a nice breakfast and he’d go to crack a few eggs in a hot frying pan, only to realize that every freaking egg in the house had been hardboiled! They would hard boil 3-4 dozen eggs just to have a laugh! Every once in a while they’d unscrew all the tops of the salt and pepper shakers and some poor bastard would end up dumping a perfectly good dinner in the backyard. Those guys were always up to no good!

It was well known in camp that I did not eat fish or anything fishy. One night, I was eating a bowl of salad before the main course. Gordon was eating across the table from me, he raised his head from his plate, looked at me and said, “hey fffcko, are you enjoying those anchovies”? I looked at him horrified, I said, “what are you fffing talking about”? He said, “the anchovies, the ones I stuffed into the olives”! FFFFing Gordon! The bastard had taken the whole jar of olives, pulled the pimentos out and stuffed little pieces of anchovies in every olive and then put part of the pimento back in the olive. He had spent a good portion of the afternoon (while I was in the woods) putting his little plan into action. In fact he was so slick, when I came out of the woods he had asked me to make the salad! I put those anchovy tainted olives in my own salad. That was it! The war was on and those guys, especially FFFing Gordon would have to pay!

One night, Tommy and Tony let it be known that they were going into town after dinner to do a little socializing. Now, our bunkroom consisted of 12 metal-framed bunk beds. There were six on each side of the room. I think, as the story goes Tommy pilfered them from an old orphanage that was closing, or something like that. Well, these steel frames had a metal web of springs that supported a six -inch mattress. For a hunting camp it was comfortable enough. Some guys had to use wooden blocks under the legs of the frames in order to get them to conform to the floor in the back of the bunkroom, but we made do, the best we could. This was a golden opportunity for a little payback. As soon as they left for town I took the springs off the webbing that held up his mattress and tied it back up with dental floss, just enough of the waxy string to suspend and support the mattress.

Then the wait came. You just never new what time they would come stumbling in and everything had to be perfect or they would have become suspicious. If it was very late and I was still up they would have figured something was up. If everybody were in bed and the lights down low, they would have smelled a rat. The right amount of people had to be playing cards and having a few beers, another couple had to be watching TV. It had to be perfect, these guys were veterans of the practical joke wars. I waited by the front door waiting for headlights to hit the driveway. Here they come! I ran to my bed. Here I was a grown man and as I got into my bunk I was giggling like a schoolboy. I knew they weren’t just going to come in and head to the rack. They came in loud and were ready to socialize a little while. Tony headed to the kitchen for a little snack and I heard Tommy crack open a fresh Schaeffer. I lay there listening to their tales of carousal and all the time I was busting a gut holding back the laughter. Finally, one by one the other men would get up from the card table and bid all a good night. Even Tony was long asleep by the time FFFFing Gordon finished his last beer and cigarette. I heard him hit the can before he came to the bunkroom. Now, there were several guys just lying in their bunks waiting to see how this would play out. Finally, as his ass hit the edge of the bunk and the mattress gave way he went crashing to the floor. He went down like the Titanic. All was quiet! No one could laugh. If he figured out who did it, there would be hell to pay for years. Several quiet seconds went bye and then all you heard was FFFFing Gordon lying on the floor muttering in a low growl ------ F_CKS! We laughed into our pillows for much longer than the five minutes it took him to fall asleep!