A GUIDE TO DEER CAMP PRACTICAL JOKES ---------- (Part II)

Now, just as FFFFing Gordon had his partner Tony P., I too had a partner. His name was “Light Line” Lenny. See Lenny was a young guy like myself with some bright ideas and we seemed to work together well. He got his name simply because he rarely ventured into the woods, just simply preferred the open views that the “power line” afforded. We had a good feel for our adversaries and we figured that by watching each other’s back we could sleep better at night. We were younger, brighter and faster then those two old sharks.

One day, just before the gun season, Lenny calls me on the phone and he’s laughing so hard I can barely understand what he is saying. He tells me that he has got the mother of all practical jokes. Now, I am all pumped up for hunting season anyway, but a good practical joke would be the icing on the cake. He would give me no more information over the phone, other than to say, “wait, till you see this”.

Lenny and I always got to camp earlier then the rest. The reason being, that there were only 12 lower bunks in the bunkroom and we both preferred getting the same bunks year in and year out. I was in lower 1 the first bunk to the left as you entered the room. Lenny always got lower 7, which was directly across the room from me (on the right as you entered the room). We could protect each other in the dead of night from two-legged predators this way, and also because the only light switch and electrical outlet were both on Lenny’s wall. After several years, crawling into # 1 represented “being home”. The old mattress finally contoured itself to my body and I did things like hang an extra blanket from underneath the upper bunk so that my eyes were shielded from any light in the room and it was less likely that any buckets of water that were thrown in my direction would be able to penetrate my little fortress. I’d always hang a small flashlight in there for reading and midnight emergencies,

Back in the 80’s that club had some world-class snorers, so anything that you could do to make sleeping more pleasurable (as pleasurable as can be, sleeping with one eye open) we did! Many a time I’d eat a quick lunch and head back into the woods just to take a nap. I figured being ravaged by a bear would be no more painful than falling prey to Gordon’s foolishness. If you fell asleep on the couch you were guaranteed a hot foot, at least in the woods you stood a fighting chance!

I saw Lenny’s car pull into the long driveway. His father was with him and I couldn’t wait to hear his plan. He motioned me to the back of his car, lying in the trunk was a large red fire bell. He had acquired this humongous fire alarm bell from an old school. This bell was the type that reverberated through a whole school when rung. I looked at Lenny and said, “what the f-ck are you going to do with that?” He looked at me and said, “I hot-wired it to an old electrical cord, all we got to do is wait till FFFFing Gordon goes into town on one of his 4-hour shopping tours and strap it underneath his bed frame, right under his pillow.” “When he goes to sleep all I have to do is plug it in.” I said, “Lenny he might have a heart attack?” He just looked at me and said, “yeah, maybe” and laughed.

The next morning, before any of the other members even arrived we did a test-run. Lenny plugged it in, the bell started clanging; it was so ffffing loud. If you didn’t know any better you would have thought a fire truck was in the room.

It was shortly after the test that guys started rolling into camp. Gordon and Tony P. arrived just before noon. Oh, it was so good to see the old geezers. Their arrival signaled that the fun could begin. They weren’t in the door two minutes when the consumption began. “Hey ffckko get me a beer.” Those words, those six little words really translated into “all was good in the world, deer camp is now open.” As elders in the club, they both took great pride in their pre-opening day chore. You see, they were the good will ambassadors of the club. Every season they would arrive in camp with several bottles of whisky and scotch that were purchased for the sole purpose of endearing the club to the locals. They would distribute to the local road crew (they kept our roads clear of ice and snow) and several of the neighbors who would keep an eye out on the house and property throughout the course of the year. The only problem was that by the time they got to the last neighbor’s house they were always H-A-M-M-E-R-E-D. Two of us would have to go down and pick them and their car up, but it was the least we could do since they were coming back to cook dinner!

Our plan was to strike on Saturday night before the season traditionally opened on Monday. Camp was just about full, although a couple of guys (who just loved upper bunks) would drive up after lunch on Sunday. Saturday, about 11 AM, FFFFing Gordon announced that he and the one-armed bandit would be going to town to do a little shopping. This was great, as many of the men were either bow hunting or scouting the woods or working around the outside of the house. Lenny and I strapped that big old bell to Gordon’s bunk without anyone noticing. We were meticulous about putting his bedding back exactly as he had left it. We filtered that extension cord between the bunks and around the room and under a piece of carpet that crossed the room right to Lenny’s bunk. It was perfect. All he had to do was sit up in his bed and plug that baby into the socket.

Oh, the beer and booze were flowing that night. The traditional hardcore card players were dealing jacks-or-better poker. FFFFing Gordon was in the game. Most men got nasty and sarcastic when they were losing. Not Gordon, he’d get nasty and sarcastic when he was winning! He’d carve you up with his sarcasm especially if he could lay down the better hand after yours. As it was, it worked out perfect. I didn’t mind losing a few shekels. I wanted to be in bed before him and Lenny was on the couch watching a movie. It was getting late, I had made my annual donation and I looked at Lenny and said good night to those still playing cards. Twenty minutes later the card game was over and I heard men heading to their bunks. Gordon, as usual had to have one more beer and one last cigarette. I saw Lenny get in his bunk and I knew we had some time to go yet. Afterall, he had to be asleep when the bell went off, otherwise it just wouldn’t have the same effect. Then it happened, I heard him say the magic words “good night ffcko” and could hear him heading for his bunk. He had put in a good solid day of socializing and I knew it wouldn’t take more than a few minutes for the buzz sawing to start. Everything was perfect! Four minutes was all it took, I sat up and whispered across to Lenny, “hit it”! I saw him sit up in his bed and I saw him plug it in! Nothing! I whispered, “what happened?” “I don’t know,” he said. “Well, try it again!” NOTHING! “It must have a short or something,” he whispered.

The next morning, Gordon announced, “I slept like a baby, me and Tony are going to church”. My eyebrows did a high arch and I said, “church – should I call and warn them? Be careful.” The minute they were gone Lenny and I conferred. “Was he onto us?” “Did he disconnect the bell?” “What the f-ck happened?” Lenny flipped on the bunkroom light and crawled under his bed. He checked the connection and it was good. I went over and plugged in the extension cord. Clang clang clang! What the f-ck? He looked at me. I looked at him. We’ll have to try this all over again tonight. The day flew bye. Everything was running smoothly. There was no perception that FFFFing Gordon had any idea what was waiting for him in the dark of night. Again, I was in bed before him. Lenny and I waited in the darkness for his “goodnight ffcko” that he would say to anyone that was up later then him. Again, it wasn’t long ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Hit it Lenny! Again NOTHING! What the f-ck? He must know. He must be disconnecting it and playing along. We were both enjoying our morning coffee when FFFFing Gordon got up from his slumber. On his way to the john, he stopped, he looked right at us and said, “good morning ffckos, so quiet in the bunkroom last night” and continued into the bathroom for his brief respite! The steam was boiling internally! He knew, he knew, he knew. How did he know?

A few days later, FFFFing Gordon was heading home for Thanksgiving. We waited till he left to dismantle the bell. He never said a word. One of the guys saw us taking the contraption apart and inquired as to what we were up to. Lenny explained our failed plan. The guy just looked at us and said, “you idiots, that electrical socket is connected to the light switch. It won’t work until you turn the lights on!” OH SHIT, he of course was correct!

A+ for creativity! D for dumber than rocks! P for paranoid! F for failed effort!